I really wish I knew how to read boys’ actions/comments and deduce whether or not they are into me. So a few months ago I made a post about my good friend’s older brother being a stone cold fox, I’ll refresh your memory: strong jaw, dark hair, blue eyes, nice ass, not skinny, but not fat; muscular. Okay, it is seriously the weirdest thing. We are like soul mates, not even kidding. When we’re in the car together we love all of the same songs and we sing together and it’s just a premonition of our life in 20 years (just kidding. not really) and he thinks I’m really funny and he talks to me a lot and flirts? I think, I haven’t been flirted enough with to even know, honestly. BOYS NEVER NOTICE ME/TALK TO ME/AREN’T EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN MY EXISTENCE. So this is kind of a big deal for me. But the other night at the youth group movie night, he kept talking to me and laughing and saying a lot of dumb stuff I think to make me laugh, but it wasn’t funny, so I didn’t….
I was doing my makeup today and all of a sudden this thought struck me that my dad doesn’t care about me. He lost his license again recently (another DUI), but the 4 months before that he could have driven up to visit me. He doesn’t call. He isn’t busy. I feel like he is too tired to try and love me and talk to me and rebuild the relationship we had. He was my spiritual leader, and ever since he lost his faith and drifted from God I feel like I lost my ground. I haven’t been able to put down any more spiritual roots and I can’t understand why. I am having such a hard time accepting God as the replacement father in my life, I don’t know how or where to start. I have months where I feel like I am re-connecting with Him and then I get distracted and busy and forget. It shouldn’t be that way. I am finally coming to all of these realizations, I have so much anger and sadness and frustration for the world and most of all, myself. I am not depressed, but I am restless and my heart is confused and heavy. I just want a break from this unbearable loneliness. There is absolutely no one I could talk to that would understand. Even my friends that are really active in their church, don’t share the experience of having a true spiritual connection with God. And even if they do, they think its weird and embarrassing to have a deep conversation about it. I hate not being able to talk about things weighing on my soul with the people I am closest with, but when I do I just get blank stares and “I’m sorry, I hope things get better”; and they change the subject. It is such a frustrating cycle.
There is a possible roadtrip in my near future! My older sister’s boyfriend joined the army and is going to be stationed in Texas. My sister was going to jump the gun and just drive down to Texas by herself, but my mom won’t let her. So, we may or may not be driving through Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico. And we may or may not go to the Grand Canyon and Navajo Nation. I hope we go, I really do. I love roadtrips so much, and Arizona and New Mexico are like my dream destinations to visit/live in the U.S.
I am always amazed by how loud everything is out in the middle of nowhere. It is quiet, yet also contains a loudness all its own. I miss my summers “down south”. With my grandmother and my cousins. I miss jumping off of rocks and standing under waterfalls. I miss the sound of the crickets that would keep me up at night. I miss falling asleep under the window because my bedroom was so hot and we didn’t have a fan. I miss taking a blanket and sleeping out under the stars with my sister and dogs. I watch too much TV now, spend too much time on facebook, spend too much time thinking about boys and school. Maybe it’s part of growing up? Maybe I’ve changed, it could be a little bit of both. Every time summer comes I am reminded of what it used to be. I probably have 100’s of stories to tell about my summers when I was younger. The inspiration to write them down is sporadic, though.
I’m alone on the last night of spring break, kind of feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t do anything all week. But, I take comfort in the fact that my soul mate, Big Red, probably didn’t do anything either. He’s even worse of a loner than I am. How can someone so kind and sweet and so fucking beautiful, like, his face is absolutely flawless, be alone?! It beats me…
Goodbye spring break, you can kiss my fat ass because you failed to meet my lowest expectations.
Spring break is almost over and this is what I’ve accomplished:
- Finished season 3 of The X-Files
- Watched The Hunger Games twice
- sleep
- sleep
- sleep
- X-Files
- cry over school
- sleep
- X-Files
I watched 8 episodes of X-Files today and then had an Arnold Schwarzenegger marathon. And managed to eat cold pizza for every meal. My parents are out of town for the weekend, can you tell?
YOU GUYS
So I made a post awhile ago about my good friend’s adorably handsome and manly brother. Well last night, I kind of jokingly/not jokingly mentioned something about her telling him to ask me to prom. So today I came to school and who just happens to be meandering about the front entrance? Him. And he smiled and said hi and my name and it was beautiful. We had youth group tonight and he kept talking to me and laughing at all the funny(?) things I said! Coincidence? I hope she actually did tell him.
Oh gosh. Just IMAGINE. A guy I kind of like might actually kind of like me!
I’m in a shitty mood and I’m sick and the weather is bad and I have to watch these 6 kids tonight and I like the ones that sit and watch movies, not the ones that run around screaming and are rude to each other. I hope I feel better by the time I go over there. I hope they have pizza again too.
It’s the nicest day we’ve had in 7 months and I am sick and feel miserable, so my mom won’t let me go for a bike ride. I feel like shit, but when the sun is out I want to get out and do SOMETHING. I AM SO READY FOR SUMMER. The sun puts me in such a good mood.
